In Love or Lonely?

"Pwede bot?!"

It'd like to believe that I'm in love. Nowadays, my actual state of mind deals with my emotional gymnastics with life and living.

It's hard to face my days knowing that I'll be going home all by myself with my stuff sitting on the passenger's seat. As much as possible, I don't want to talk about it. As much as possible, I don't want to explain things for I'll end up crying. And the moment I talk, there's no guarantee that you could stop me from talking. I have a lot of things in me and when given the signal to talk, I would.

I'm becoming very emotional lately. It's not an act or whatsoever. I believe that I'm discovering my thoughts and day by day I'm understanding my inner senses more and more.

These emotions define my moment as it dictates my body to respond. Thus, I end up singing, crying and blogging. It's amazing to be inclined with emotions though there are times that I'm "emotionally tired" of dealing with it. But these days, I can say that I can still manage.

Fine... Fine... Fortunately for me! But I still can't drop the issue that I feel lonely at night and when I come to realise that they may be too good for me. It's an anxiety that I can't seem to resolve and take away from my system. Yes, I believe but I anticipate. Thus, I become reserved and afraid to take the risk. Yes, it's cliché to say that it's a challenge for me to pursue it but I'm too shy to be romatic, too scared to be rejected and too tired of being the doer but never the receiver (for the nth time).

Alright. This is a confession that I'm starting to like someone but my anxiety's too powerful for me to control it and take over the situation. I wish I'm too dense to feel the pain so that I could easily take the risk of loving (and end up hurting).

See? I anticipate the gravity of pain brought by the effort of love and affection. It's sick to think this way but how do I resolve such issue before I can decide which way to go? I see inspiration in the air but behind that glimmer is a competition -- a big threat that makes me think I'm smaller than a bedbug! It's a tough job to be the "newbie" -- an intuder. I'm not here to intervene but how do I deal with it when my heart says, "I like her." while my mind says, "It's complicated."?

Doctor Love, are you listening? I need certainty. I'm too afraid. How do I go through this?

Happy Valentine's Day. ¿?