A Bucket-full of Thoughts

I've been out of this site from more than three weeks and that was because of my daily practice of preoccupation!

For the nth time, I've been very keen to do so many things in one day but with 8 hours of work and an hour drive home, my nights were very limited. I wanted to blog but I wanted to rest. I wanted to watch DVD but I wanted to watch Pinoy Big Brother instead (cheering for my so-called cousin, Bianca). It seems to me that preoccupation's like my shadow. It follows me whereever I go and it absorbs me no matter how I try to be focused.

I just have too many options and plans but I couldn't find time to think and deliberately set my priorities. I know the things that I have to do but I admit - I'm too lazy. It's a lame excuse but I admit it. Simple things really matter a lot and I usually ignore these things. As a result, I have a list unaccomplished obligations.

Sometimes I just want to stay at home, chill and listen to music or watch DVD. I want a break from the people who're just too much for me. But I have to consider my career, my future and the matters of the heart [ahem].

I believe that there's time for everything but I like what I said, I can't think. I'm too preoccupied; I'm too cluttered with thoughts of doing things perfectly and achieving it all. I do things for myself. Perhaps it's about time to think about myself more than thinking about other people. It's not being selfish or anything. It's just that I think I need more time for myself - to correct my being and release the bad side of me before I could face people. It's weird to hear about a plan like this but I guess at some point in your life, you stop and think, right? I think that's my situation right now.

Believe me. I have a bunch of thoughts waiting to me to be "touched" and discussed with myself or thru this blog. Due to time contraints, I just couldn't find the right time and motivation to do it.

I may be talking like crazy here like no one listens or understand me but I don't care. I've come to realise that this is my own hideaway. I appreciate others visiting and taking time to read every entry but I'm fine knowing that I'm my only avid fan and reader. This is my outlet... without this I think I won't stand the thoughts in my mind. That's why I greatly treasure this.

LOL. This is one entry that has no concrete direction. The only focus in this entry is that I'm confused. ROFL.

Btw, I hate goodbyes. People come and go. It's cliche to hear that and it sucks to hear all the age-old advices on letting go and acceptance. I just like someone but I still cannot define if I really like her. But I hate to see her leave. I hate to know that there's a possibility that we won't see each other again or a possibility that friendship finds its way out of our relationship.

It's hard to say this. It's difficult to stay true to your words. It's hard to commit and it's ever harder to accept rejection and the truth. First of all, I like her but I dunno if I like her for she's great or if I like her 'cos I feel so lonely. Fuck confusion. Fuck uncertainty. Fuck dilemma.

One things for sure. I hate to see her go and leave me behind her memories. It's too schmaltzy to say this but I'll surely miss her. Perhaps things will be clearer to me once she's gone. Is this a sign of an upcoming breakdown? LOL. I just want her to be happy. If leaving makes her happy... it sucks but I'll try to smile on her last day.

I'll miss her smile. I'll miss her laughter. I'll miss her drawings. And I think she's the first person who said that I'm a "great" friend and someone who believed in me.

Yes. It's risky. I fear it a lot. I want to say it but I just can't prepare myself for the worst reaction. Oh my... [whatta bad ending...] ¿?